ObsidianMistral

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong nag-open up kanina sa isang kaibigan ko sa opisina. Wala lang, para lang gago, hindi ko maintindihan bakit ko pa nakwento yun. May naalala tuloy ako.

Leche.

Kaya eto, bago sumabog, at para makatulog, maglalabas lang ako ng sama ng loob.

–

What if you spent so much time trying to build something…checked every corner, secured every post, thought it was already as stable as a fortress…but then, in just a matter of a day, everything crumbles down like a sandcastle?

Then just a simple memory, opens the floodgate to your emotions.

Life is unfair, I know, I keep telling this over, and over and god damn, like a thousand times again and again, to myself that no matter how much you want something, if it’s not meant for you, it really won’t be. That no matter how much you bleed, it won’t be yours.

And all you can do is to cry. On how silly you are. How hopeless. How pathetic. Because you realize that even after that long, even after the thousand faces you met, there’s only one person that makes you feel alive.

No one can compare to you.

I don’t wanna write anymore. For it just reminds me of you.

At dahil kanina, nakatikim ako ng isang matinding sampal sa realidad, na una sa lahat, isa akong empleyado, at kung wala akong trabaho, walang pera, walang buhay…ilalabas ko muna dito ang ilan sa mga dramu sa buhay ko. Kesa naman bigla na akong sumabog. Na alam kong hindi maganda. ._.

First off. Wedding jitters.

“Ikakasal na ako!”

Yan ang linya ko ngayon sa ym. Totoo siya. Na hindi. Na bahala na ang mga tao kung ano ang iisipin. Basta, sa 20, mangyayari ang isang kasalan ng dalawang taong nagmamahalan (lol). It’s a dream wedding come true, para sa lahat ng sumusuporta sa aming pairing. Ehem.

Haha. Basta.

Excited na ko, pero natatakot at the same time. Andami palang dapat i-take into consideration. Bibili kami ng rings sa Wednesday, pag off ko. Magpapatahi pa ko ng damit. Magpapakulay pa ko ng buhok. Tapos kelangan rin makipag-coordinate sa mga participants — err, entourage nga ba, haha. Okay na photog, si kuya kiko. Meron nang maid of honor at best man. Meron na ring pari. Pero kelangan ko pang ihanda ang sarili ko, mentally.

Oh, shit. Andami.

(p.s. kilala mo na kung sino ‘ka’, haha)

…

Pero kung ako magdedecide, or kung may unlimited budget for a wedding. Ganito ang gusto ko mangyari.

Syempre kelangan mag-propose muna. In a starry, starry night in front of a fountain, when we’re all alone and the moon is smiling down upon us.

Then engagement party. Movie night with barkada. People will wonder, anong meron. Then, surprise! We’ll show them her ring finger.

Wedding planning. I’ll probably hire a wedding planner, as I’m not realiable when it comes to schedules and all that. Yes, we’ll both have a say on every detail, even minute ones.

The motif. White and gold, with a shade of aquamarine. Oh yeah, I’m such a RukaMichi fan. But I want to wear a white tux with gold lining, erm, hirap i-describe, haha. And her, the bride, should have the finest, purest gown with her bouquet of aquamarine-colored roses.

The church. Well, I’d like either Manila Cathedral or Malate Church.

The reception. Possibly on an open area, a resort, or a garden with a pool. So after the formal dances and shiet, people can just go in for a swim.

The honeymoon. Getting lost abroad. Just the two of us, hehe.

Perfect wedding, ne? Perfection is nothing but a dream, I believe. But one can dream. And seeing that it’s highly impossible for me to have such a ceremony, lintek, girlfriend nga wala e, I’ll just dream about this wedding to get by cold, lonely nights.

…

Pangalawa. Babae.

Sakit ng ulo lang sila, haha. *dodges flying tsinelas — kala mo hindi babae, ano, lol*

Sa ngayon kasi, merong tatlong babae sa buhay ko. Na hindi na ko masyado mag-eexpound kasi dapat blind item. Para masaya. Si A, si past na basis na ng lahat. Si B, na crush-crushan. At si C, na na-bebespren syndrome.

Si una, ang isang taong bumago sa buhay mo, na dating mahalaga sayo, na ganun parin naman ngayon, well, medyo lang, pero parang siya ang nag-set ng ‘bar’ sa lahat ng babaeng papasok sa buhay mo. Kapag walang sinabi ang girl sa qualities ni A…”next please?”

Si pangawala, mababaw lang naman. Gusto mo lang. Ganun. E hindi mo pa naman kilala. Kaya wala ka pa masyadong masabi. Pero kras-krasan lang kasi hindi ka naman umaasa.

Si pangatlo, na medyo lagi lang naman kasama or kausap. Na parang film, nadedevelop ka lang. Alam mong mali, somehow in the back of your mind, sinasabi ng konsensya mo, kadire, haha, kasi parang…uhm, kapatid mo siya.

Pano mo nga ba malalaman kung sino ang mahalaga?

Sama pa natin si Dream Girl. Yung isang non-existent na taong nagcocontain sa lahat ng bagay na gusto mo sa isang girl. Hay. Babae talaga. Magpapayaman na nga lang muna ako.

…

Putoshut.

Bakit kaya laging kalaban ang gusto ko i-cosplay? Haha. Bastard son of a bitch. Nakabili na ko ng wig for Aizen, papagupitan ko na lang.
…

Trabaho.

Ayun. Mahirap.

…

I’ll prolly post moar next tiem.

It’s funny when you have so much love to give yet no one to give your heart to. When you realize that you’re now ready to love, but the person you’re looking for is actually non-existent.

It’s so funny it makes you weep in despair.

Then there’s this girl that you found out suffered so much, and you want to save her, heal her wounds, yet you don’t know how to. So you just watch her from afar.

And bleed with her.

–

A string of thoughts, a small composition for someone I’m crushing on.

Polygamous.

I know what it means. What I don’t know is why people think I am.

Ewan ko. Para masabing polygamous, di ba dapat maraming ka-relasyon? E ni wala nga kong girlfriend. Wala nga ako chinachane. Wala nga akong crush, crush-crushan lang. Although di ko talaga matanggal yung “sniping” skill, yung alam pag may maganda sa malapit, natural na e, lol. Pero hanggang ganun lang.

Kaya nagtataka talaga ako. Pano ako naging polygamous, err, babaero?

Oo, kaya kong magpa-cute, di naman ako tanga. Pero imposible talaga mangyari yun. Kasi pano ka magmamahal kung wala kang puso?

Yeah, I loved someone before, but forgetting about that feeling came with a price. I was able to move on, able to forget the pain. But I also forgot how to use my heart, or where to find it.

Hindi ko na nga alam kung ano nangyari sa parte ng katawan ko na yun e. Ipagtanong-tanong ko kaya sa lost and found. Taena, kahit nga may mag-seduce, wala nang effect. Para akong tuod, walang pakiramdam. ZEN MASTER AKO! Batoooo! Haha.

Ang alam ko lang, buhay pa ko, nagtatrabaho. Yun lang, at yun lang.

I don’t wanna sound like an ass, but as a general rule when it comes to me: never, never, piss me off.

I’m a usually nice person, more passive compared to who I was before. So nowadays, whenever someone annoys the hell out of me, I just give them an uncaring stare (like duh, whatevs) then walk away. Or I’ll just use selective inexistence and make them feel they’re worth less than dirt.

And when I’m having a bad day, I just wanna be left alone. ALONE with my thoughts. But when a stupid fuckin’ moron would disturb my peace without good reason, that’s when shit hits the fan. Add a couple of misfortunes like lunch and breaks getting deferred, long stressful calls, fatigue due to anemia, power nap getting interrupted…SNAP is the word of the day.

Hell yeah, I almost snapped a few hours ago. Almost. Had to restrain myself because of my mom. I know I tend to be very rude, bordering on violent, whenever I *snap* because that’s my state of mind wherein I’m half-asleep and half-awake, wherein I won’t have any restraints on my actions nor my words.

So there I was, in a clinic slash doctor’s office in Kalaw, called Hi-Precision, trying to get some shut eye ’cause it was already past 10am and me and my mom have to wait in line after 6 more patients, when an ugly bitch decides to make her presence known. She sat behind me, with another fugly creature, and the next thing I know, for some fucking reason, she kicked the back of my chair.

I was jolted out of dreamland, had to sit upright, almost standing, and almost blurted out, “What the fuck?!”, out of surprise. Then I head them snicker behind me. Like it was funny. Like hell. And I snapped. So I slowly turned my head, with a deadly glare and a snarl, as I said, “What the fuck is your problem, bitch?” Then just walked out, remembering that my mom was beside me, I had to avoid confrontation.

I had to cool myself off by sitting on the sidewalk outside, trying to pour out all my anger on a poor Vitwater bottle, trying to crush it with all my might. Finally, when I calmed down enough, I thought of the perfect revenge. I slipped behind them, DROPPED my bag to the seat beside her, then stretched my legs and *accidentally* bumped the back of the chair. I did that twice, the latter one when my mom and I was about to leave.

She grunted, and I just commented off-handedly, “Karma’s a bitch, eh?” And laughed on my way out.

This actually reminds me of the time when I *snapped* in the middle of Ilaya, a street in Divisoria. My mom bought a plastic cabinet in one of those warehouses/appliance centers, but no taxi was in sight. So we decided to settle for a jeep instead. My mom was able to flag one down. But after all the trouble of setting everything up inside the jeep, the driver was either asking us for a hundred bucks. LOL. WHUT. Or he wanted us to get the hell off his metal crap.

So I got pissed.

And in the middle of Ilaya, where they say a lot of warfreaks reside, the only thing that came to my mind was, “Putangina mo! Gago!” I shouted that at the top of my lungs. A lot of people looked at me, my mom became deathly afraid, but no one dared to engage me in a fight, or to even just get near me.

I know I can be quite scary at times.

That’s why, as much as possible, I really don’t like getting angry. There’s an inner Lion inside of me, and you can hear it growl whenever I snap.

Tae!

Yan ang gusto ko ngayon isigaw sa opisina. Bawal magmura, kaya tae na lang.

Ilang araw pa lang ang nakakaraan nang makumpirma namin na magkakaron ng “Great Divide” sa mga teams. Lahat damay sa re-shuffle, mag-iiba na nga Team Leader mo, pati team mates pa. Kamusta naman. At ilang araw mula ngayon, malalaman na namin kung saang lupalop kami mapupunta.

Tae talaga. Nakakainis. Saglit pa lang ako sa kumpanyang ‘to, ika-anim na buwan ko pa lang sa Martes (huwat? ganun kabilis?), pero di ko na mapigilang ma-attach na sa mga nakasama ko sa hirap, lungkot, at saya (naks).

Pero di pa ko muna masyado magdadrama. Inaantok ako, wala pa kong tulog. Nagpatulong gumawa ate ko ng barko, props para sa Halloween chuva nila sa opisina.

Segway muna sa cosplay. Since hindi sigurado yung Ouran group ko sa AME, hindi ko alam kung sino icocosplay ko. Lawl. Too many choices, so little time. Ililista ko na lang muna, para di ako malito.

Unahin natin ang mga blond:

Graham Aker - Sayang cos, isang beses ko pa lang nasuot, nung OtakonEK. Sabi pa ng isang bata sakin, “kuya, kuya, sinong char ka sa Ouran?” Amp, lol. Whut?

Suou Tamaki - Costrip lang nung Cosplaymania. Couldn’t believe people actually recognized me kahit na anliit ko. Highlight of the day, may 2 girls na nag-uusap sa likod ko, sinusundan ako, narinig ko usapan nila: girl 1- halika na, papicture na tayo kay tamaki-sama; girl 2- wag naaaa, nahihiya ako e. Hanggang sa bigla na lang sila naglaho. Eh.

Pinocchio - Oh yes, di pa kita nacocosplay, kaya kasama ka pa rin sa list! Haha. Dunno yet if I’ll wear his civilian outfit, yung red polo or magtutux ako (waaw, kayanin ko kaya?).

Tenoh Haruka - Mugen Gakuen version sana, kaso nah, later na, wala pa kong Michi. Pero natutuwa kasi ako sa isang fanfic sa ff.net, kung san CEO si Ruka. At tutal ganun naman halos porma ko, gusto ko i-costrip yung OOC persona niya sa story.

Sa itim naman.

Oikawa Sosuke - I’m out of my mind. Yeah, suicidal ako, more reason to cosplay as him, haha. Well, I really love this char to bits. Nakaka-relate ako. At naiyak ako sa 2nd to the last ep ng Last Friends dahil sa kanya. (ONGA PALA, PLUG MODE: BAKA MAY GUSTO SUMALI SA LF PHOTOSHOOT. LOL. XD)

Secret character - na not so secret na dahil may mga nakaka-alam. Brown-haired bishie, malapit-lapit na rin naman ako makaipon ng enough guts para icosplay siya. Aside from the fact that the costume kicks ass, patapos na…and I never expected na mas magiging confident pa ko nung nag-fitting ako ng pinatahi ko. o_O

Ayun, so yan pa lang naman ang mga naisip ko na char so far. Yan pa LANG ano? E andami na nila. Haha. Ewan ko kung ano pumasok sa utak ko at excited na naman ako magcosplay. Siguro dahil bihira na lang ako maka-attend ng cons?

Hay, hay, Michi, kelan ba ko makakahanap ng perfect na Michi para sa dream cosplay ko?

Ay shit, kelangan ko pa nga pala mag-ipon ng 50k para sa regalo ko sa isang taong sobrang importante sa akin. Magpapagawa ako ng garden. And no, hindi siya para sa babae, para siya sa pamilya. Kaya tigilan na ko sa panunukso. ._. Wala akong crush sa ngayon. Oo sige, pag may pretty girl, I just think of her as pretty. Pero beyond that, wala na. Ewan, parang feeling ko incapable na ko magkagusto. Siguro dahil na rin sa belief ko na somewhere, out there, I’ll meet my Michi.

Ah. Crap. Bumalik na ate ko, kanina kausap niya bf niya sa cell. Baka mabasa pa ‘to.

As always, my thoughts drift from one idea to another. Till next post, I guess.

Just an ad, if anyone’s interested.

So one night, me and a friend were gushing about how cute LF is. Then we decided to butcher it, lol. Then we decided to organize a shoot.

[Last Friends - Prisoners of Love]
Ruka Rue
Michiru Avonski
Sosuke Windy

We’re looking for a Takeru, Eri, and Ogura (optional).  ^^ Or kung may gusto mag-Rumi, why not? Ahahaha.

There’ll be two themes: casual and all-white.

I’m also planning to make a music video, much like the Prisoner of Love PV.

Requirements? Wala naman.

Venue? Naghahanap pa ko ng lugar na pwede maglatag ng white cloth, para sa background.

When? Pag nakumpleto by the end of 2008, target date is around January or February (para sakto sa Valentine’s, LOL).

I’m looking forward to a brawl with Rue. Haha.

I want to laugh so hard my face would want to fall off my head.

I wonder where do people get the freakin’ idea that I’m taken?

Sample lines:

“Buti pinayagan ka ng jowa mo.”

“Kunwari ka pa, dadalhin mo lang girlfriend mo.”

“Wag ka na kasing magkunwaring single.”

Panalo.

At san din kaya nila nakuha yung idea na maraming akong babae? Lulz. That’s the funniest shiat I’ve heard in a while.

Dunno why people make a big deal of relationships. Not that you can’t survive without it. I did, for 22 effin’ years now. And I will, for many more. I don’t see the need to tie yourself to someone you don’t wanna spend forever with. Not that I don’t have plans of settling down — oh, boy, I do. I am the marrying kind. Just that, for now, I have to take care of myself first. I believe she‘ll come in the right time, when everything falls into place, when I’m ready for her.

On a sidenote, I found this picture while surfing the net for music I can store in my MusicXpress.

Oh shi– dream girl material. I stared at her picture for the longest time, lol. I wonder if I’ll get to meet someone like her in real life? Haha. Her name’s alan btw (yeah, small a) . No, she’s definitely not a guy. -_-’ Yun lang stage name niya.

Eto pa!

She somewhat reminds me of Michiru.

Natatawa rin ako sa opisina. Hindi na ko takot mawalan ng trabaho. Haha. Matatapos na contract. Kahit tanggalin ako, wala na ko babayaran.

May isa akong caller, “I’m paying you, but you’re not doing your job!”, “You wanna lose your job?” Whatever, you stupid piece of jerk. Bobong indiano. Gusto ba naman, ako magdelete at magblock ng spam sa email niya. -_-’ Yung isa daw nakausap nya two days ago, sinabihan lang siya na yung agent na lang bahala magbura. Dati daw 100 lang spam niya, ngayon 60 na lang. Banat ko, “Do you think you’ll still be getting spam if what the other idiot he did, worked?” Tigas ng ulo, bahala ka. My contract doesn’t say that I have to act stupid just to follow your whims.

Btw, I just found out na straight yung crush ko na officemate. SABI NA E. LOOOL. Owned. I shat bricks.

May nagsabi sakin…

“Alam mo kung bakit wala ka paring girlfriend hanggang ngayon? It’s not because you don’t have appeal. Damn, you do. Some people fall for you. But you’re too nice. Can’t say too innocent, you can be evil if you want to.

But either, they get turned off because you’re too good for them, or you’re too darn nice to take advantage of girls.”

Hindi ko alam pano magrereact. Ganito lang reaction ko: huh? o_O

Then she left, without looking back.

Just when I’m about to reach limit break on our usual fucked up family quarrels, Multiply chooses to be under maintenance.

Fuck.

As in fuckin’ fuck. I’d like to curse out a million times. But I know it wouldn’t take out the rage I’m feeling right now.

I just need my blog. To rant. My outlet. My sanctuary. Where I can write privately without everyone being alerted that oh, Mae has updated her blog…yeah, like whatever, it’s not as if people on my F list really do *know* me.

The only thing that’s keeping me sane right now is work. Hah! Believe it or not.

I’m tired of all the BS I had to go through whenever more than 3 people in our “family” stays in the same room. I’m fed up with all the loserlamerloner luck I’m having regarding love, I’m starting to lose hope in finding a *Michi* in my pathetic life. And I really don’t want to go through all the trouble of meeting new friends, hanging out with them, spending time with a particular girl, only to have history shove her ass to my face again by making that person fall — without me, really meaning it to happen.

I really feel betrayed at the moment. Betrayed by my family, so-called friends, fate. But I won’t let everything crash down.

I’d beat LIFE over and over with a stick first, before I admit defeat. Fucking life. Pull your acts together, will ‘ya?

Geesh.

Where’s Multiply when I need it the most?